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How does one keep a happy, healthy sɘx life over the long-term? Thinking about the 16 years that I have been married, I began to reflect on what keeps our intimacy strong and sɘxual experiences positive, productive, and pleasurable. Below are three ways to have positive sɘxual experiences with your partner.
Infidelity is a hard pill to swallow, even if it were liquid. On a recent episode of OWN's Belle Collective, one of the women was on her way to a lunch meeting with two of her girlfriends when all of a sudden, her husband pops up. He claimed that he showed up because she wasn’t answering his calls and he was worried for her safety, but she quickly squashed that idea and called him out on that half-truth! So, what was he really doing following her to an innocent brunch with the girls in the middle of the day? Well, the back story may help you come to your own informed conclusion.
Minding your own business while your partner is dead center of it! Have you ever been sitting on the couch, reading a good book or watching one of your favorite shows and BOOM! Your partner plops themselves down beside you and starts a conversation or just stares at you as if they’d like to say something. Either way, you immediately have the urge to break the concentration that you had on that book or show and redirect it to your partner. Depending on where you are mentally is what that will look like to your partner. This moment that I just described is marriage defined.
Thinking about planning one of the most memorable days of your life, you have the venue, the caterer, the DJ, the florist and even the cake Maker! That's before you get to the people! And that list is just the tip of the diamond 😉. Taking steps towards a committed union is such a delicate time and having support that promotes a healthy and happy marriage is important. Simply thinking about my own marriage, happily united over 16 years and counting, I often think about the challenges that we faced with little to no support.
Dating while married can prove to be a tedious, and seemingly impossible task to complete. Thinking about planning a date alone can get your mind spinning, and let’s not even start on the “what should we do” part! Then you factor in children, work, family, etc., and it becomes easier to push dating further and further down the line. Sure, I can tell you that you just need to figure it out, but the reality is, that statement is easier said than done. So, what do you do?
Love is what we seek, and in this search, we often neglect the importance of intimacy. I bet you never really thought of them being independent of each other! Obviously, by definition these two terms having different meanings, even if some may think of them as an overlapping parallel. Love is a term used to describe how one feels about a person, place, or thing. Whereas intimacy is an unspoken feeling of closeness one may feel for a person, place, or thing.
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Sitting in the house on a quiet Monday morning; children are doing their distant learning thing, husband is a work and I am getting myself prepared to get my day started. Suddenly, I hear “gurgle, gurgle” then silence. So, I think nothing about it and carry on about my day. A little later I head to the bathroom and notice the tub has, what looks like, a sewage back up and the toilets were really low with murky water. This was around 4pm and I immediately panicked! I knew that the city was doing a lot of underground construction in my neighborhood, so I jumped on the phone and gave them a call. It was deemed an “emergency” and they would get to me “right away”. Well, the next afternoon (Tuesday) someone showed up “right away” from the city. At this time, they let me know that their main line was backed up and that they needed to “blow it out”. Sweet right! NNNOOTTTTTT! By later that evening, we were now not able to flush the toilets at all and when the washing machine drained, it flooded the toilets and came up through the floor.
Whatever this “fix” was DID NOT WORK and in fact, made it worse. Back on the phone with the city to report now I have an overflow of sewage in my house and I needed them back out asap! Knowing what the city’s, “we’ll be right out” meant, I started my search for an emergency plumber. Thanks to some amazing people, I found one and he was ready to show up that night! He and his assistant worked well into the night and while they got it so we would take a quick shower and flush one toilet, they needed to come back. We learned that there were two routes that would resolve the backup, 1. Snake the pipe from the roof, and if that did not work, 2. Dig up the front yard and see if a pipe had collapsed. The latter added an additional $ on the already $$ price tag, so my anxiety went through the roof!
The plumber and his assistant showed up the next day (Wednesday) ready for action and I was back in my “uh oh” mode. I listened as they were working diligently on the roof and about 2 hours later, everything on the roof was silent. As they came down, I took a few soothing deep breaths and braced myself for it, and he said “Well, it’s all done”. I let out a huge sigh of relief, WHEW! Thank you! We now had the whole house backup resolved; both toilets flushing, no back up in the shower and washing machine draining where it should. This called for a celebration and release of pinned up tension/anxiety. Oh but, however should I celebrate?
Shower time for me and my husband has always been a peaceful place. We talk, share, laugh and so much more during our shower time. This is something that we have done for well over 15 years and make it a point to do it as much as possible in lieu of actual date nights out for now. This particular shower time was so necessary. I was so tense for the past 2.5 days that my eyes were ready to bulge out of my head. During this shower time, it was time to celebrate by releasing this tension and that is exactly what happened. Not only were we able to talk it through and share meaningful embraces, but we also experienced each other in a way that sent all anxious energy down this newly flowing drains.
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There are so many articles out about how the pandemic is causing relationships to end. When I think about what's happening in households across the world I cannot help but to be a little saddened. Most times when a relationship comes to a conclusion point, I wonder what could have helped? When I think about the rise in breakups and divorces since the pandemic, I think about what could/should have been in place, prior to, could have avoided the split.
When coaching couples, I ask them for the three things of importance in their relationship. The reason I ask this is so that I have an idea of if they are on the same page for (re)building their foundation. The foundation of any relationship is typically being built within the first 7 years of coming together. What you and your partner pour into your foundational cement will determine how firm it stands as you build a life on it, as time passes (normal wear and tear) and as storms come about. If your combined mixture isn't properly balanced, as time goes on and storms hit, it'll begin to crack. Now.....a crack doesn't mean throw the whole thing away, it just means you both need to make a small batch and properly repair it.
So what do I mean when I talk about your foundational cement? I'm talking about what you and your partner are building your relationship on; morals, principles, beliefs, wants, needs, desires, etc.. Having some commonalties helps to produce a strong, balanced foundational bond. Think about real cement, if you add too much water, it won't set properly, it be too pliable and extremely thin. If you don't add enough water, the cement will be too firm and rigid which leads to cracks forming easily and early on. When there is a proportionate/balanced amount of water added, the cement settles correctly, will be less likely to crack and firms to withhold whatever's going to be built upon it.
When you and your partner enter into a relationship, you each bring your three ingredients (items of importance), if all are completely different, you are more likely to have a thinned out foundation. If they are all the same, you may end up with a rigid, overly firm foundation. If you share one or two, you will be able to create a good balance! You must also understand that over time, you will need to make small batches to fill in any cracks that form; this may be the case every 10-15 years or so. There is no way that what was important to you when you were 21 is the same as when you are 45 and the same for your partner. Meaning, you must continue keeping the maintenance up on your relationship just as you would your house or car.
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Some of you may have seen most of, if not all of the interview that Will and Jada Smith recently did in response to the claims that August Alsina made. Well if not, here's a brief overview before we get down to business. About two weeks ago, August Alsina did an interview where he made a statement that included him being in a relationship with Jada Smith, on a romantic level. While the actual relationship that they shared is not new (it happened over four years ago), the interview about it brought it to the forefront. As we all know, with every story there are three sides (his, hers and the truth) so let's dive in.
August Alsina did an interview where he was asked about his romantic history to which he responded with information about he and Jada's time together. He made it clear that he was in love with and deeply cared about her. Many of the statements he made were very emotionally charged and matter of fact; things you would hear from someone who was deeply in love at some point and now hurt. "I gave myself to her for years", "I devoted myself", this broke me", and "it butchered me" are just a few of the statements that he made throughout his interview. While he was talking, his voice fluctuated often and sounded fueled with passion. He speaks about Jada in a sense where he still shares love for her and respects both her and Will. It is actually pretty heart wrenching to watch him speak on it. At one point he said that he sat with Will Smith and Will gave him his blessing. Not really sure how that works but OK. Unless there is a pimp involved in the equation or they are in a culture where endowments happen, permission to date his wife seems like a stretch.
Jada Smith decided to bring herself to "The Red Table" along with her husband Will Smith. Jada's demeanor was not the same as her ex-partner in that she stayed neutral throughout the interview. She spoke about the relationship she shared with August with very little regard, emotionally speaking. She made it a very PR centric feel; a stark difference from how August spoke of her. The way that it seemed, from Jada's perspective, is August came to her seeking help for an illness (not positive if it was mental or physical) and was provided with guidance and resources to help. He was welcomed in by their entire family and during this time an "entanglement" happened (Jada's words, not mines), but let's call a thing a thing, a relationship formed.
Throughout the entire interview, the one person that seemed to have any kind of emotion shown was Will. Jada stayed calculated in her words, selecting them very specific. On the other hand, Will was clear in that he wanted her to speak her truth transparently and did not except her terminology on what she had with August. According to the pair, about 4 years ago they were going through a rough patch and in the words of Will Smith, he was done with Jada. Essentially they were separated and individually on a quest to figure themselves out but at no time did either say or confirm that they were divorced.
Two weeks ago August Alsina did an interview where he announced a relationship with Jada Smith, wife of Will Smith. Shortly after, Jada and Will Smith did an interview to address all the loose ends that were floating around social media land. During their interview, the couple made it clear that they were going through a rough patch in their marriage, I'll repeat IN THEIR MARRIAGE! At no time did either state that they were divorced, what was said is that they were "taking a break" from the marriage. News flash, there should not breaks in a marriage that would ever create the notion that another person has the green light to engage others in a relationship capacity. Now, with that being said to each their own, I'm simply speaking from the general sense of a marriage.
When you make the commitment to enter into a union with your partner, you are doing so for the long haul; til death do you part! This does not mean that within that commitment, you cannot make "side deals". Now what do I mean by that? I'm speaking about mutual exploration between both partners. But let's not go down that path just yet. Back to this entanglement, I mean situationship, I mean hot mess of a situation. Will and Jada hit a wall in their marriage right around the time August, who was in a vulnerable state, came into the picture for whatever reason. At this point, I'm thinking that Jada is probably in a hurt place which allowed herself to be entertained by another person. Whether intentional or not, it happened. In that moment, Jada opened a door that could only lead to hurt for multiple people, herself included. According to past articles about Will and Jada, they have an agreeable open or flexible marriage but this was something different. This was the entering of a relationship with another party during a time of tension.
During the time of their affair, August would have been about 23 and Jada would have been about 44. He would have been in his sexual prime and easily able to fall in love with a mature woman. If he was like any other young man, he probably watched this beautiful woman on his TV screen and maybe even fantasized about her. This affair would have occurred around the time that Will and Jada's 18th or 19th year of marriage! That's a lot of time and love put in to have suddenly disrupted. The pair openly spoke on their dislike for each other during this time that opened the door for an affair. It is possible that August mistook this tift between the married pair as his "permission" to date Jada. None of us were around for those conversations though.
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