Your Steps Matter!

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It Was Just Us......

Many of you have been rocking with me for quite some time and you know a little about my back story. For those who are not too familiar with it, here's a quick synopsis.

I grew up in a single parent home with my sister. My mother worked hard and made sure that we had all of the essentials we needed in life and even splurged for the things we wanted. There were a lot of activities that were not conducive to a healthy upbringing and so I had my mind made up that when I graduated high school, I was out! In June 1997 I graduated and moved on campus at Virginia State University. I was not really interested in learning and furthering my education as much as I was about getting away from home.

There I was, 17 years old, away from home, living the college life! Free to do WHATEVER I WANTED! With no direction from home, no one to hold my hand at school and no true plan, I was set up to fail. Within three semesters at VSU I became a full blown statistic. I met a guy that, I guess, filled a void in the first semester, moved off campus and in with him by the second semester and pregnant by the third.

To read more about this story, click "Read More".
kids

They Deserved Better!

I realized that the road that I was traveling was exactly what I ran from when I was 17 years old. I became what I saw; 20 years old with two children (both girls). It was up to me to ensure that my girls NEVER felt "trapped" in their own home based on the life I was choosing for them, so I had to grow up and alter my steps! I had to learn how to maneuver around having three felonies on my background and land a better paying job. I had to realize that the father of these girls didn't "owe" me (or them) anything and I had to focus on us. I had to buckle down and turn my goal of getting out of section 8 housing into a reality; of our first home with a backyard to play in. I had to get back into school and complete my education. And that is what I did because they, knew, WE deserved better.

This came with me OWNING MY ISH for real. I had to take accountability for how I wanted to feel, how I wanted to live and understanding what I deserved to have. Over the next 10 years, those two little girls watched their mother meet a man (I wasn't even looking) that cared more about us then he did his own self. They watched me earn my AAS, BS and MS while working my way up to management levels in companies. Throughout this time we welcomed an additional three children into the mix and I started three businesses. I made sure that I had open communication with all of our children and focused on the oldest two a little more because they would soon be entering the '"real world".

All of the children knew that C's on report cards were a no go and that they were only required to complete their education through high school. What they chose from there was up to their desired path and all options were discussed upon graduation from high school. Both girls decided their path which included college. By the time they were entering their final year of school, 2017 and 2018, the other children were 11, 10 and 6.

Read the full article HERE

Adulting SUCKS!

He's knocked out, I'm glowing.....
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Sitting in the house on a quiet Monday morning; children are doing their distant learning thing, husband is a work and I am getting myself prepared to get my day started. Suddenly, I hear “gurgle, gurgle” then silence. So, I think nothing about it and carry on about my day. A little later I head to the bathroom and notice the tub has, what looks like, a sewage back up and the toilets were really low with murky water. This was around 4pm and I immediately panicked! I knew that the city was doing a lot of underground construction in my neighborhood, so I jumped on the phone and gave them a call. It was deemed an “emergency” and they would get to me “right away”. Well, the next afternoon (Tuesday) someone showed up “right away” from the city. At this time, they let me know that their main line was backed up and that they needed to “blow it out”. Sweet right! NNNOOTTTTTT! By later that evening, we were now not able to flush the toilets at all and when the washing machine drained, it flooded the toilets and came up through the floor.

Whatever this “fix” was DID NOT WORK and in fact, made it worse. Back on the phone with the city to report now I have an overflow of sewage in my house and I needed them back out asap! Knowing what the city’s, “we’ll be right out” meant, I started my search for an emergency plumber. Thanks to some amazing people, I found one and he was ready to show up that night! He and his assistant worked well into the night and while they got it so we would take a quick shower and flush one toilet, they needed to come back. We learned that there were two routes that would resolve the backup, 1. Snake the pipe from the roof, and if that did not work, 2. Dig up the front yard and see if a pipe had collapsed.  The latter added an additional $ on the already $$ price tag, so my anxiety went through the roof!

The plumber and his assistant showed up the next day (Wednesday) ready for action and I was back in my “uh oh” mode. I listened as they were working diligently on the roof and about 2 hours later, everything on the roof was silent. As they came down, I took a few soothing deep breaths and braced myself for it, and he said “Well, it’s all done”. I let out a huge sigh of relief, WHEW! Thank you! We now had the whole house backup resolved; both toilets flushing, no back up in the shower and washing machine draining where it should. This called for a celebration and release of pinned up tension/anxiety. Oh but, however should I celebrate?

“Hey baby, meet me in the shower”.
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Shower time for me and my husband has always been a peaceful place. We talk, share, laugh and so much more during our shower time. This is something that we have done for well over 15 years and make it a point to do it as much as possible in lieu of actual date nights out for now. This particular shower time was so necessary. I was so tense for the past 2.5 days that my eyes were ready to bulge out of my head. During this shower time, it was time to celebrate by releasing this tension and that is exactly what happened. Not only were we able to talk it through and share meaningful embraces, but we also experienced each other in a way that sent all anxious energy down this newly flowing drains.

See full article HERE

Pandemic Relationship

How are things in your relationship?

Pandemic or reality

There are so many articles out about how the pandemic is causing relationships to end. When I think about what's happening in households across the world I cannot help but to be a little saddened. Most times when a relationship comes to a conclusion point, I wonder what could have helped? When I think about the rise in breakups and divorces since the pandemic, I think about what could/should have been in place, prior to, could have avoided the split.

When coaching couples, I ask them for the three things of importance in their relationship. The reason I ask this is so that I have an idea of if they are on the same page for (re)building their foundation. The foundation of any relationship is typically being built within the first 7 years of coming together. What you and your partner pour into your foundational cement will determine how firm it stands as you build a life on it, as time passes (normal wear and tear) and as storms come about. If your combined mixture isn't properly balanced, as time goes on and storms hit, it'll begin to crack. Now.....a crack doesn't mean throw the whole thing away, it just means you both need to make a small batch and properly repair it.

Pandemic or reality 1

What is in your cement?

So what do I mean when I talk about your foundational cement? I'm talking about what you and your partner are building your relationship on; morals, principles, beliefs, wants, needs, desires, etc.. Having some commonalties helps to produce a strong, balanced foundational bond. Think about real cement, if you add too much water, it won't set properly, it be too pliable and extremely thin. If you don't add enough water, the cement will be too firm and rigid which leads to cracks forming easily and early on. When there is a proportionate/balanced amount of water added, the cement settles correctly, will be less likely to crack and firms to withhold whatever's going to be built upon it.

When you and your partner enter into a relationship, you each bring your three ingredients (items of importance), if all are completely different, you are more likely to have a thinned out foundation. If they are all the same, you may end up with a rigid, overly firm foundation. If you share one or two, you will be able to create a good balance! You must also understand that over time, you will need to make small batches to fill in any cracks that form; this may be the case every 10-15 years or so. There is no way that what was important to you when you were 21 is the same as when you are 45 and the same for your partner. Meaning, you must continue keeping the maintenance up on your relationship just as you would your house or car.

Read the full article here

WAP! Own that P***Y Power ladies!

Sooo.... Megan Thee Stallion and Cardi B did a thing

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At midnight Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion released their single, "WAP". Now prior to it's release I'm sure there were many unsuspecting fans trying to figure out just what in the world was WAP, like what did that even mean. Well, if you listened to the unedited version then you learned that it stands for Wet Ass Pussy. Ooops, how many of you cringed reading that in your head just now? If that's you, I hope you cringed because of how powerful of a word you just read and not because of the stereotypical negative stigma placed on the word. I will admit, you will not catch me writing about hip hop artists on a regular basis; this was worth my time.

I can feel it (and I've read some of it) there are going to be a ton of bible pushing, holier than thou, we were delivered by the stork types of people ready to tear down this entire song, we'll just let them be and to each their own. By the way, yes I believe in GOD, don't want you thinking I'm some bible hating heathen or something. Now back to the point of this story. When I watched this video on YouTube today, I actually had a smile on my face. No it's not because I was looking at tons of ass, I'm happily married and enjoy looking at my husband's butt just fine. I was smiling because before the words started, I felt a certain power within the video. I mean there were two ladies with water shooting from their boobs out the gate, literally! Then it goes right into the scene of Meg and Cardi laying in a den of snakes; whew, gave me chills! Here are two boss ladies spitting hard ass lyrics among a variety of snakes! And did you hear that bass hit!? Psst, do yourself a favor and look up snakes before you add that to your judgement sheet.

Own your Sexuality, Demand your Pleasure and Control your Body!

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The vibes of this video gave me that of the fight that we as women have given for too many years that slowly swaying our way! That's simply the right to own our sexuality, control what happens with/to our bodies and to demand sexual pleasure our way! These two displayed a strength in womanhood that not a lot of us are strong enough to do anymore. Stereotypes and judgment has begun to cast the Chastity belt/Scarlet letter shadow back around. The lyrics commanded attention to what they desired for their personal pleasure. And before we jump back on the high horse, Cardi is a married mother, so what she commands of her marital penis is her entire business. Shoot, even if she wasn't, she better command that "big mac truck right in that little garage"! Ladies, you have to stop being afraid of expressing what you desire, want and need sexually because of what someone else may think. For hundreds of years we had absolutely no control over our own bodies, and this is still true, to date, in some countries.

Hell, it's not too long ago that some woman were not allowed (yes I said allowed) to purchase birth control! Now let that sink in. I want nothing more than for every woman to feel confident in her own ability to control her body, command pleasure and be firm in her sexuality desires. To understand how precious and valuable she is and to feel brave in telling others what she wants! Listen carefully to the words that these ladies are saying in this song. They are simply giving direction to their partner of how to best please them, letting them know how they will reciprocate and the typical outcome if all directions are followed as given. Last time I checked, giving directions and potential outcomes have always been an accepted practice on your 9-5 right? IJS.

At the end of the day, what you do behind your doors is for you. I just hope that it's exactly what you want, desire and need sexually and if not that you reach out so we can alter your process. Owning your sexuality is a major key to controlling just about everything in your life. It boosts your confidence, it places your mind in a forward mode and it gives you command of situations in a different way. If you are in a place where you are not in full control of or are hesitant to take control of your sexuality, I am the coach for you! Through coaching or the Own Your Ish Sis! bootcamp you will learn steps and methods that will set you on a path of sexuality success.

Now let me ask you sis, do you own your ish?

When Open No Longer Works!

Now it's none of my business but...

Will.Jada.August

Some of you may have seen most of, if not all of the interview that Will and Jada Smith recently did in response to the claims that August Alsina made. Well if not, here's a brief  overview before we get down to business. About two weeks ago, August Alsina did an interview where he made a statement that included him being in a relationship with Jada Smith, on a romantic level. While the actual relationship that they shared is not new (it happened over four years ago), the interview about it brought it to the forefront. As we all know, with every story there are three sides (his, hers and the truth) so let's dive in.

August Alsina did an interview where he was asked about his romantic history to which he responded with information about he and Jada's time together. He made it clear that he was in love with and deeply cared about her. Many of the statements he made were very emotionally charged and matter of fact; things you would hear from someone who was deeply in love at some point and now hurt. "I gave myself to her for years", "I devoted myself", this broke me", and "it butchered me" are just a few of the statements that he made throughout his interview. While he was talking, his voice fluctuated often and sounded fueled with passion. He speaks about Jada in a sense where he still shares love for her and respects both her and Will. It is actually pretty heart wrenching to watch him speak on it. At one point he said that he sat with Will Smith and Will gave him his blessing. Not really sure how that works but OK. Unless there is a pimp involved in the equation or they are in a culture where endowments happen, permission to date his wife seems like a stretch.

Jada Smith decided to bring herself to "The Red Table" along with her husband Will Smith. Jada's demeanor was not the same as her ex-partner in that she stayed neutral throughout the interview. She spoke about the relationship she shared with August with very little regard, emotionally speaking. She made it a very PR centric feel; a stark difference from how August spoke of her. The way that it seemed, from Jada's perspective, is August came to her seeking help for an illness (not positive if it was mental or physical) and was provided with guidance and resources to help. He was welcomed in by their entire family and during this time an "entanglement" happened (Jada's words, not mines), but let's call a thing a thing, a relationship formed.

Throughout the entire interview, the one person that seemed to have any kind of emotion shown was Will. Jada stayed calculated in her words, selecting them very specific. On the other hand, Will was clear in that he wanted her to speak her truth transparently and did not except her terminology on what she had with August. According to the pair, about 4 years ago they were going through a rough patch and in the words of Will Smith, he was done with Jada. Essentially they were separated and individually on a quest to figure themselves out but at no time did either say or confirm that they were divorced.

Will.Jada

Let's talk about it

Two weeks ago August Alsina did an interview where he announced a relationship with Jada Smith, wife of Will Smith. Shortly after, Jada and Will Smith did an interview to address all the loose ends that were floating around social media land. During their interview, the couple made it clear that they were going through a rough patch in their marriage, I'll repeat IN THEIR MARRIAGE! At no time did either state that they were divorced, what was said is that they were "taking a break" from the marriage. News flash, there should not breaks in a marriage that would ever create the notion that another person has the green light to engage others in a relationship capacity. Now, with that being said to each their own, I'm simply speaking from the general sense of a marriage.

When you make the commitment to enter into a union with your partner, you are doing so for the long haul; til death do you part! This does not mean that within that commitment, you cannot make "side deals". Now what do I mean by that? I'm speaking about mutual exploration between both partners. But let's not go down that path just yet. Back to this entanglement, I mean situationship, I mean hot mess of a situation. Will and Jada hit a wall in their marriage right around the time August, who was in a vulnerable state, came into the picture for whatever reason. At this point, I'm thinking that Jada is probably in a hurt place which allowed herself to be entertained by another person. Whether intentional or not, it happened. In that moment, Jada opened a door that could only lead to hurt for multiple people, herself included. According to past articles about Will and Jada, they have an agreeable open or flexible marriage but this was something different. This was the entering of a relationship with another party during a time of tension.

During the time of their affair, August would have been about 23 and Jada would have been about 44. He would have been in his sexual prime and easily able to fall in love with a mature woman. If he was like any other young man, he probably watched this beautiful woman on his TV screen and maybe even fantasized about her. This affair would have occurred around the time that Will and Jada's 18th or 19th year of marriage! That's a lot of time and love put in to have suddenly disrupted. The pair openly spoke on their dislike for each other during this time that opened the door for an affair. It is possible that August mistook this tift between the married pair as his "permission" to date Jada. None of us were around for those conversations though.

Read the full article here!

Are you stuck?

Have you looked around at your surroundings and think, “What am I doing here”? Do you find yourself just coasting through life without feeling? How about the feeling of resentment when you have agreed to something that is actively playing out in your life? If you answered yes to either or both, you are STUCK!

We find ourselves stuck in situations when we have failed to properly get in tune with and love ourselves. It is so easy to jump into a relationship (personal, friendly, work, etc.), before we’ve “perfected” the relationship with ourselves. I think that we all should take a few moments to know, understand and recognize the difference in being alone and being lonely. One is a state of being and the other is an activity. Being alone does not translate into loneliness!

Growing up, most of us have been given the impression that you should be in a relationship. Now, we don’t always get a written manual on how this relationship should go, so we just jump in, an push on the gas. Now we’re in the relationship car, going 90 miles an hour with no direction or seat belt on. There are not many positive outcomes that can come of this scenario and this is exactly the same for someone getting into a relationship under the same circumstances. No, there is no actual Relationship Handbook inthe world, but there are examples and guides that an help us navigate.

Tips…

1. Have a conversation with the other party. Your conversation should be one of factual details about yourself as to not make it about the other party. It is very important that you try to keep emotions stable during this conversation as that will usually end in a meaningless argument and nothing is accomplished. The goal of this conversation is to make your partner aware so that you both can work towards a successful resolution.

2. Confirm what it is that you need internally to be valuable to yourself before getting into or continuing your current relationship. This involves digging deep inside to find your potential triggers and situations that have caused you to “shut down”.

3. Ask for assistance in your journey. Ask your partner if they are willing to work with you through your journey. If they are not, don’t panic or get upset. Your partner may not be equipped to make changes as they could be experiencing a similar dilemma. Remember, Coach Kay is here to assist you in this process.

This is certainly not an all inclusive list but a good start. The most important thing to remember is that you are making the first step by identifying. Having a coach is a proactive approach to successful relationship building!

Did You Know?

Spontaneity....do you possess it or does it scare you? Doing the same thing every day, all day works well for some but at some point you have to do something different. Have you ever arrived to your destination (home or work) and thought, "How did I get here"? You have driven this route so much that you just seem to arrive and don't notice anything in between; you forgot to take in the scenery.

When this becomes your sex life, you might as well just pull the covers up over your head and STAY IN BED.....ALONE!! If you are satisfied with missionary three days per week on Monday, Thursday and Saturday (before 6pm only)then by all means, be the best at it. But can I intrigue you with something??? Maybe push the limit and have a little missionary sex at 6:30 pm on Saturday......baby steps of course.

When you make changes in your bedroom, you make changes in your relationships. You'll be surprised to know how your sexuality can play into other areas of your life. Take control of your sexuality and watch your confidence grow. Want to learn more about this and more? Sign up for your initial coaching session today and let's get you on your way!