Pandemic Relationship

How are things in your relationship?

Pandemic or reality

There are so many articles out about how the pandemic is causing relationships to end. When I think about what's happening in households across the world I cannot help but to be a little saddened. Most times when a relationship comes to a conclusion point, I wonder what could have helped? When I think about the rise in breakups and divorces since the pandemic, I think about what could/should have been in place, prior to, could have avoided the split.

When coaching couples, I ask them for the three things of importance in their relationship. The reason I ask this is so that I have an idea of if they are on the same page for (re)building their foundation. The foundation of any relationship is typically being built within the first 7 years of coming together. What you and your partner pour into your foundational cement will determine how firm it stands as you build a life on it, as time passes (normal wear and tear) and as storms come about. If your combined mixture isn't properly balanced, as time goes on and storms hit, it'll begin to crack. Now.....a crack doesn't mean throw the whole thing away, it just means you both need to make a small batch and properly repair it.

Pandemic or reality 1

What is in your cement?

So what do I mean when I talk about your foundational cement? I'm talking about what you and your partner are building your relationship on; morals, principles, beliefs, wants, needs, desires, etc.. Having some commonalties helps to produce a strong, balanced foundational bond. Think about real cement, if you add too much water, it won't set properly, it be too pliable and extremely thin. If you don't add enough water, the cement will be too firm and rigid which leads to cracks forming easily and early on. When there is a proportionate/balanced amount of water added, the cement settles correctly, will be less likely to crack and firms to withhold whatever's going to be built upon it.

When you and your partner enter into a relationship, you each bring your three ingredients (items of importance), if all are completely different, you are more likely to have a thinned out foundation. If they are all the same, you may end up with a rigid, overly firm foundation. If you share one or two, you will be able to create a good balance! You must also understand that over time, you will need to make small batches to fill in any cracks that form; this may be the case every 10-15 years or so. There is no way that what was important to you when you were 21 is the same as when you are 45 and the same for your partner. Meaning, you must continue keeping the maintenance up on your relationship just as you would your house or car.

Read the full article here

When Open No Longer Works!

Now it's none of my business but...

Will.Jada.August

Some of you may have seen most of, if not all of the interview that Will and Jada Smith recently did in response to the claims that August Alsina made. Well if not, here's a brief  overview before we get down to business. About two weeks ago, August Alsina did an interview where he made a statement that included him being in a relationship with Jada Smith, on a romantic level. While the actual relationship that they shared is not new (it happened over four years ago), the interview about it brought it to the forefront. As we all know, with every story there are three sides (his, hers and the truth) so let's dive in.

August Alsina did an interview where he was asked about his romantic history to which he responded with information about he and Jada's time together. He made it clear that he was in love with and deeply cared about her. Many of the statements he made were very emotionally charged and matter of fact; things you would hear from someone who was deeply in love at some point and now hurt. "I gave myself to her for years", "I devoted myself", this broke me", and "it butchered me" are just a few of the statements that he made throughout his interview. While he was talking, his voice fluctuated often and sounded fueled with passion. He speaks about Jada in a sense where he still shares love for her and respects both her and Will. It is actually pretty heart wrenching to watch him speak on it. At one point he said that he sat with Will Smith and Will gave him his blessing. Not really sure how that works but OK. Unless there is a pimp involved in the equation or they are in a culture where endowments happen, permission to date his wife seems like a stretch.

Jada Smith decided to bring herself to "The Red Table" along with her husband Will Smith. Jada's demeanor was not the same as her ex-partner in that she stayed neutral throughout the interview. She spoke about the relationship she shared with August with very little regard, emotionally speaking. She made it a very PR centric feel; a stark difference from how August spoke of her. The way that it seemed, from Jada's perspective, is August came to her seeking help for an illness (not positive if it was mental or physical) and was provided with guidance and resources to help. He was welcomed in by their entire family and during this time an "entanglement" happened (Jada's words, not mines), but let's call a thing a thing, a relationship formed.

Throughout the entire interview, the one person that seemed to have any kind of emotion shown was Will. Jada stayed calculated in her words, selecting them very specific. On the other hand, Will was clear in that he wanted her to speak her truth transparently and did not except her terminology on what she had with August. According to the pair, about 4 years ago they were going through a rough patch and in the words of Will Smith, he was done with Jada. Essentially they were separated and individually on a quest to figure themselves out but at no time did either say or confirm that they were divorced.

Will.Jada

Let's talk about it

Two weeks ago August Alsina did an interview where he announced a relationship with Jada Smith, wife of Will Smith. Shortly after, Jada and Will Smith did an interview to address all the loose ends that were floating around social media land. During their interview, the couple made it clear that they were going through a rough patch in their marriage, I'll repeat IN THEIR MARRIAGE! At no time did either state that they were divorced, what was said is that they were "taking a break" from the marriage. News flash, there should not breaks in a marriage that would ever create the notion that another person has the green light to engage others in a relationship capacity. Now, with that being said to each their own, I'm simply speaking from the general sense of a marriage.

When you make the commitment to enter into a union with your partner, you are doing so for the long haul; til death do you part! This does not mean that within that commitment, you cannot make "side deals". Now what do I mean by that? I'm speaking about mutual exploration between both partners. But let's not go down that path just yet. Back to this entanglement, I mean situationship, I mean hot mess of a situation. Will and Jada hit a wall in their marriage right around the time August, who was in a vulnerable state, came into the picture for whatever reason. At this point, I'm thinking that Jada is probably in a hurt place which allowed herself to be entertained by another person. Whether intentional or not, it happened. In that moment, Jada opened a door that could only lead to hurt for multiple people, herself included. According to past articles about Will and Jada, they have an agreeable open or flexible marriage but this was something different. This was the entering of a relationship with another party during a time of tension.

During the time of their affair, August would have been about 23 and Jada would have been about 44. He would have been in his sexual prime and easily able to fall in love with a mature woman. If he was like any other young man, he probably watched this beautiful woman on his TV screen and maybe even fantasized about her. This affair would have occurred around the time that Will and Jada's 18th or 19th year of marriage! That's a lot of time and love put in to have suddenly disrupted. The pair openly spoke on their dislike for each other during this time that opened the door for an affair. It is possible that August mistook this tift between the married pair as his "permission" to date Jada. None of us were around for those conversations though.

Read the full article here!

Are you stuck?

Have you looked around at your surroundings and think, “What am I doing here”? Do you find yourself just coasting through life without feeling? How about the feeling of resentment when you have agreed to something that is actively playing out in your life? If you answered yes to either or both, you are STUCK!

We find ourselves stuck in situations when we have failed to properly get in tune with and love ourselves. It is so easy to jump into a relationship (personal, friendly, work, etc.), before we’ve “perfected” the relationship with ourselves. I think that we all should take a few moments to know, understand and recognize the difference in being alone and being lonely. One is a state of being and the other is an activity. Being alone does not translate into loneliness!

Growing up, most of us have been given the impression that you should be in a relationship. Now, we don’t always get a written manual on how this relationship should go, so we just jump in, an push on the gas. Now we’re in the relationship car, going 90 miles an hour with no direction or seat belt on. There are not many positive outcomes that can come of this scenario and this is exactly the same for someone getting into a relationship under the same circumstances. No, there is no actual Relationship Handbook inthe world, but there are examples and guides that an help us navigate.

Tips…

1. Have a conversation with the other party. Your conversation should be one of factual details about yourself as to not make it about the other party. It is very important that you try to keep emotions stable during this conversation as that will usually end in a meaningless argument and nothing is accomplished. The goal of this conversation is to make your partner aware so that you both can work towards a successful resolution.

2. Confirm what it is that you need internally to be valuable to yourself before getting into or continuing your current relationship. This involves digging deep inside to find your potential triggers and situations that have caused you to “shut down”.

3. Ask for assistance in your journey. Ask your partner if they are willing to work with you through your journey. If they are not, don’t panic or get upset. Your partner may not be equipped to make changes as they could be experiencing a similar dilemma. Remember, Coach Kay is here to assist you in this process.

This is certainly not an all inclusive list but a good start. The most important thing to remember is that you are making the first step by identifying. Having a coach is a proactive approach to successful relationship building!